My journey from Marine to actor | Adam Driver (2)
And not like afraid-respect, just, like, respect-respect. 10:24 (Laughter) 10:25 'Cause nobody's afraid of you. 'Cause Batman doesn't mean nobody no harm. 10:29 (Beat) 10:30 Ever. (Double beat) 10:31 'Cause all Batman really wants to do is save people and maybe pay abuela's bills one day and die happy. And maybe get, like, mad-famous for real. 10:39 (Laughter) 10:40 Oh -- and kill the Joker. 10:41 (Drum roll) 10:43 Tonight, like most nights, I'm all alone. And I'm watchin' and I'm waitin' like a eagle or like a -- no, yeah, like a eagle. 10:52 (Laughter) 10:53 And my cape is flapping in the wind cause it's frickin' long and my pointy ears are on, and that mask that covers like half my face is on, too, and I got, like, bulletproof stuff all in my chest so no one can hurt me. And nobody -- nobody! -- is gonna come between Batman ... and justice. 11:09 (Drums) (Laughter) 11:10 From where I am, I can hear everything. 11:14 (Silence) 11:15 Somewhere in the city, there's a old lady picking Styrofoam leftovers up out of a trash can and she's putting a piece of sesame chicken someone spit out into her own mouth. And somewhere there's a doctor with a wack haircut in a black lab coat trying to find a cure for the diseases that are gonna make us all extinct for real one day. And somewhere there's a man, a man in a janitor's uniform, stumbling home drunk and dizzy after spending half his paycheck on 40-ounce bottles of twist-off beer, and the other half on a four-hour visit to some lady's house on a street where the lights have all been shot out by people who'd rather do what they do in this city in the dark. And half a block away from janitor man, there's a group of good-for-nothings who don't know no better, waiting for janitor man with rusted bicycle chains and imitation Louisville Sluggers, and if they don't find a cent on him, which they won't, they'll just pound at him till the muscles in their arms start burning,till there's no more teeth to crack out. 12:06 But they don't count on me. They don't count on no Dark Knight, with a stomach full of grocery-store brand macaroni and cheese and cut-up Vienna sausages. 12:15 (Laughter) 12:16 'Cause they'd rather believe I don't exist. 12:19 And from 87 stories up, I can hear one of the good-for-nothings say, "Gimme the cash!" -- real fast like that,just, "Gimme me the fuckin' cash!" And I see janitor man mumble something in drunk language and turn pale,and from 87 stories up, I can hear his stomach trying to hurl its way out his Dickies. 12:35 So I swoop down, like, mad-fast and I'm like darkness, I'm like, "Swoosh!" And I throw a batarang at the one naked lightbulb. 12:42 (Cymbal) 12:44 And they're all like, "Whoa, muthafucker! Who just turned out the lights?" 12:47 (Laughter) 12:48 "What's that over there?" "What?" 12:50 "Gimme me what you got, old man!" 12:52 "Did anybody hear that?" "Hear what? There ain't nothing. No, really -- there ain't no bat!" 12:57 But then ... one out of the three good-for-nothings gets it to the head -- pow! 13:01 And number two swings blindly into the dark cape before him, but before his fist hits anything, I grab a trash can lid and -- right in the gut! And number one comes back with the jump kick, but I know judo karate, too, so I'm like -- 13:14 (Drums) 13:18 Twice! 13:19 (Drums) 13:20 (Laughter) 13:21 (Drums) 13:23 But before I can do any more damage, suddenly we all hear a "click-click." And suddenly everything gets quiet. And the one good-for-nothing left standing grips a handgun and aims it straight up, like he's holding Jesus hostage, like he's threatening maybe to blow a hole in the moon. And the good-for-nothing who got it to the head, who tried to jump-kick me, and the other good-for-nothing who got it in the gut, is both scrambling back away from the dark figure before 'em. And the drunk man, the janitor man, is huddled in a corner, praying to Saint Anthony 'cause that's the only one he could remember. 13:54 (Double beat) And there's me: eyes glowing white, cape blowing softly in the wind. 14:00 (Beat) Bulletproof chest heaving, my heart beating right through it in a Morse code for: "Fuck with me just once come on just try." 14:10 And the one good-for-nothing left standing, the one with the handgun -- yeah, he laughs. And he lowers his arm. And he points it at me and gives the moon a break. And he aims it right between my pointy ears, like goal posts and he's special teams. And janitor man is still calling Saint Anthony, but he ain't pickin' up. And for a second, it seems like ... maybe I'm gonna lose. 14:38 Nah! 14:40 (Drums) 14:41 Shoot! Shoot! Fwa-ka-ka! 14:42 "Don't kill me, man!" 14:43 Snap! Wrist crack! Neck! Slash! 14:45 Skin meets acid: "Ahhhhhhh!" 14:49 And he's on the floor and I'm standing over him and I got the gun in my hands now and I hate guns, I hate holding 'em 'cause I'm Batman. And, asterisk: Batman don't like guns 'cause his parents got iced by guns a long time ago. But for just a second, my eyes glow white, and I hold this thing for I could speak to the good-for-nothing in a language he maybe understands. Click-click! 15:10 (Beat) 15:11 And the good-for-nothings become good-for-disappearing into whatever toxic waste, chemical sludge shithole they crawled out of. And it's just me and janitor man. And I pick him up, and I wipe sweat and cheap perfume off his forehead. And he begs me not to hurt him and I grab him tight by his janitor-man shirt collar,and I pull him to my face and he's taller than me but the cape helps, so he listens when I look him straight in the eyes. And I say two words to him: "Go home." 15:41 And he does, checking behind his shoulder every 10 feet. And I swoosh from building to building on his way there 'cause I know where he lives. And I watch his hands tremble as he pulls out his key chain and opens the door to his building. And I'm back in bed before he even walks in through the front door. 15:57 And I hear him turn on the faucet and pour himself a glass of warm tap water. And he puts the glass back in the sink. And I hear his footsteps. And they get slower as they get to my room. And he creaks my door open, like, mad-slow. And he takes a step in, which he never does. 16:17 (Beat) And he's staring off into nowhere, his face, the color of sidewalks in summer. And I act like I'm just waking up and I say, "Ah, what's up, Pop?" And janitor man says nothing to me. But I see in the dark, I see his arms go limp and his head turns back, like, towards me. And he lifts it for I can see his face, for I could see his eyes. And his cheeks is drippin', but not with sweat. And he just stands there breathing, like he remembers my eyes glowing white, like he remembers my bulletproof chest, like he remembers he's my pop. And for a long time I don't say nothin'. And he turns around, hand on the doorknob. And he ain't looking my way, but I hear him mumble two words to me: "I'm sorry." 17:14 And I lean over, and I open my window just a crack. If you look up high enough, you could see me. And from where I am -- 17:25 (Cymbals) 17:27 I could hear everything. 17:32 (Applause) 17:40 Thank you. 17:41 (Applause)
